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My time as a college student has been weird. I have friends who are married, engaged, single, and dating. I have some good married friends, and it would be easy to have that friendship if I met them after they got married. The problem I have faced is that when I am friends with a single person who eventually gets married- it is almost impossible for me to maintain that friendship. I understand that things are going to be different- as it should be. Still, it seems that I have not been able to have a relationship with any of my now-married friends.
One reason our friendship quickly tanks is my friends what to keep the same level of relationship that we had before they met their now spouse. As much as I think that is cool, my friends still want to tell me everything, which can no longer be the case. You need to protect your spouse's privacy and how the world sees them. You have a new eternal best friend- they are the only person who you should share everything with. They are the person you need to be sharing your life and concerns with. I know things about my friends' husbands that are not my business. That can be seen as a huge betrayal. There are a lot of things that need to stay between a husband and wife.
Once more, my friends want to complain about their spouse to me, and I am the last person you should do that with. In fact, the only person you should share that with is your spouse. You will tell others who can't do anything and ruin the way they see your spouse from that point forward. It is still possible to be friends, but it is going to look different, and the only things you say about your spouse should be about how awesome they are.
If You Are in an Abusive Relationship:
If you are in an abusive relationship, and you just read what I just wrote, you probably feel some level of hopelessness- especially if your significant other has separated you from all your friends and family. The thing is, I am not going to tell you to tell someone. Because in situations like that, it doesn't matter that all your friends and family want to help you. You have to be the one to decide to leave. In some cases, you feel trapped. If you want out, get a plan, make sure you can do it safely, and get out. You don't have to tell friends and family everything that has happened. Just say that you will be showing up in the middle of the night.
If Someone You Know is in an Abusive Relationship:
It sucks, but how they want to handle the situation is up to them. Having seen a lot of relationships like these, what has been the most detrimental is when I sit and listen. That person vents and gets things off their chest. You can't do anything, and they feel better. You hate their spouse or significant other, and they keep putting themselves in dangerous situations. Navigating abusive relationships- especially from the outside- is complex, and no one has the correct answer. Still, having been in and been around plenty of abusive relationships, I recommend not listening to the rants. Just tell them, "If it's really that bad, leave. Otherwise, talk to [their person's name]. There is nothing I can do until you decide you are done." If they are worried about the repercussions, let them know what resources they have.
Some Helpful Resources:
Hotline: 1 (800) 799 – 7233
Text Line- Text "START" to 88788
Available 24 hours a day, seven days a week
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline) is available for anyone experiencing domestic violence, seeking resources or information, or questioning unhealthy aspects of their relationship.
Hotline: 1 (866) 331 – 9474
Text: 22522
Available 24 hours a day, seven days a week
Love is Respect offers information, support, and advocacy to young people who have questions or concerns about their dating relationships.
Hotline: 1 (844) 762 – 8483
Available Monday through Friday, 9:00 am to 5:30 pm CST via phone.
The StrongHearts Native Helpline is a safe, anonymous, and confidential service for Native Americans experiencing domestic violence and dating violence.
Hotline: 1 (833) 723 – 3833
Email: crisis@pathwaystosafety.org
Available 24 hours a day, seven days a week via phone, email, and online chat.
PSI assists Americans experiencing interpersonal and gender-based violence abroad.
Email Hotline: https://hotline.womenslaw.org/
The WomensLaw online helpline provides basic legal information, referrals, and emotional support for victims of abuse.
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