Communication: As Easy as Solving a Complex Puzzle

In a world where communication is regularly available, it is shocking that there is a culture of brevity, almost worshiping it. It's ironic; we are constantly developing new ways to communicate with one another, but almost nothing of value is shared. We are conditioned to listen to those screaming the loudest. We applaud those who say little to nothing, and we tease those with excellent communication skills. It's a tragedy. What is especially heartbreaking is this leaks into our most important relationships, our relationship with our families.

When was the last time you had a constructive conversation? When was the last time you spoke with someone without sarcasm, with genuine respect, and listened to them? Communication is essential for developing, building, and maintaining relationships, yet we do very little to communicate well or effectively. We all can think of someone who is especially bad at communication, but before we point fingers, we should do our best to communicate effectively, and others will follow suit.

David Burns, MD, shares 5 Secrets of Effective Communication, that if done with the right intent, can help you in your relationships. Although this is meant for confronting, these secrets can be used in all communications. It is called the EAR method. EAR is an acronym for empathy, assertiveness, and respect and is broken down into five secrets.

The first "secret" is the disarming technique under the empathy section. This is when you find truth in what the other person is saying. I imagine that all of us, at some point, have met an absolutely convoluted person who does not seem to grasp reality. Nevertheless, you should do your best to find a nugget of truth in their argument. You do not have to agree with their side, but you need to find and recognize some small truths.

Also under the empathy section is empathy. (Crazy, right?) David Burns explains that there are two types of empathy thought empathy and feeling empathy. Thought empathy is when you paraphrase the other person's words with the intent to understand better from their point of view. Feeling empathy is acknowledging how the other person is probably feeling based on what they said. Doing both can make understanding how the other person interprets the situation easier.

The last item under empathy is inquiry. This is when you kindly ask probing questions to learn more about how the other feels about and understands the situation. Doing this with empathy can make it easier for you to understand the person with whom you are speaking. On the other end, you should be equally sharing thoughts and feelings about the topic and try to clearly communicate from your end so the other person has the chance to understand you.

Moving to the assertive part of the method, we should use "I feel" statements. Don't point the figure, and try not to say things like, "You're a stupid jerk, and it makes me mad!" Instead, communicate your thoughts calmly and clearly. For example, "I feel undermined when you joke about me in public."

The last secret falls into Burns' respect category and is called stroking. This is where you say something positive. It needs to be genuine and sincere, not just in the easy part of the conversation; this should be in every part of the conversation and, most importantly, in the heat of a battle. This one might take some practice, but it is one of the best things you will ever do.

There are plenty of ideas on speaking and communicating effectively, but it does not matter if you do not heed the advice. I think we all wish we could be petty sometimes, but if we exercise this healthy form of communication, we will change the way that people speak to us, and we can build relationships worth having.