It's the Couple's Day

As a girl, I have planned every version of my wedding in every way imaginable. As a wedding and event planner, I have different weddings for each budget and type of guy I could end up with. One thing I have never planned is a proposal- I always wanted my future husband to plan it and leave me surprised. The problem is that it is not really how we do things anymore. We decide beforehand that we are going to get married, plan a wedding, buy a ring, then he proposes while you guys are at a picnic or in a hammock.

I figured that I was destined to have the same fate. I, too, will be in a weird phase of a relationship where no one has committed. Still, I am planning a wedding with my mom, wondering if my fiancé, the man who is about to become my eternal companion, really loves me and wants to be with me for time and all eternity. Ahh… what every little girl dreams of.

I don't know why this has become the culturally accepted norm for engagements, but I think it sucks. We talked last week about how we set expectations for marriage in the dating phase. Now that those are set, we need to set boundaries as a couple and learn how to make decisions together. In the grand scheme of things, we do not have much time to prepare for marriage with the person we eventually marry. It makes sense that we should be eager to prepare and set realistic expectations and boundaries together as an eternal team.

I have worked as a wedding coordinator at a wedding venue for several years, and I can accurately call a divorce down to the month about 95% of the time, based on how a couple plans a wedding together. One of the biggest problems I see is that men do not help their bride-to-be make decisions. "This is her day." "Whatever she wants." "I don't get a say in this. It's between her and her mom." I cringe when I hear these sentences. You guys have set yourself up for failure if this is your or your finances' attitude.

After you get married, you two should counsel each other on almost all your decisions. The engagement period is an excellent time to practice making decisions. Yes, the color of the groomsman's tie will not matter, but learning how to come to a decision as a team does matter. Learning how to discuss things and come to a conclusion that both of you can be happy about is VITAL.

Another big problem is that the couple often doesn't set boundaries between their soon-to-be extended family and the couple. This one is not as obvious because it is just a mom and her daughter planning a wedding. Here is the thing, it is not the bride's day. It is not the mother-of-the-bride's day. It is couples day. This is the day that they will celebrate each year for the rest of time and eternity if healthy boundaries are set.

I am not suggesting that the couple can't seek out help, but they need to seek out help in ways that helps the couple, not interfere. Another thing worth practicing in the engagement phase is asking for help from extended family and friends in a way that reinforces the couple and helps build their relationship instead of driving a wedge through it. One way a couple can do that is by not seeking financial help from either side of the family. Instead, ask for family and friends to donate talents and skills that they have.

Just like in dating, during the engagement phase, you and your partner are setting expectations. You two need to practice making decisions, frugality, and counseling with one another. It is for the sake of your relationship—one that you want to last for time and all eternity.